Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
