she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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