she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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