There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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