My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
