I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
