allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I want a musical about memes.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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