its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
