I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
