I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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