Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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