you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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