sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
