I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
