When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
