i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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