I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize