I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just threw up on my dentist
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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