you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She even gives head with a lisp.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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