Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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