Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
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