I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
