I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Randomize
