if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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