I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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