You can't motorboat a personality
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
