glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
