Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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