Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
