to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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