i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
