after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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