Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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