Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
