no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
