If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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