Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
