Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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