I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
