hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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