he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
