Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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