someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
