I wish my penis had an off switch
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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