Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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