No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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