I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
