Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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