dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
