In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
