Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
