3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
