So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
