just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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