I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
