My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
