You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
